


Legit Tattoo-Gun

by haemophilus



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon Compliant, Charlie Rules the World, F/M, Heteronormativity, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Revenge Sex, incompatible orientations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 23:04:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: I knew you were gonna leave me for the Queen of Thrones, so I've slept with Mac to humiliate you.





	Legit Tattoo-Gun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [golden_goose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_goose/gifts).



> I rewatched this episode recently and I couldn't get this line out of my head. Writing a sex scene with incompatible orientations was really fun. I hope you enjoy this :)

Charlie had been gone for an hour when an ugly thought wormed its way into Dee’s brain. If he was meeting with the other most powerful player in the game, he would probably want to form a more permanent alliance with her. He had been planning to leave Dee without telling her so he could keep her under his thumb as his slave until he discarded her! Well, fuck that. Dee Reynolds was a goddamned queen, not a piece of trash, and she wasn’t going to be bested by a man who cleaned toilets for a living. There was only one thing to do: she was going to have to fuck Mac for revenge.

Dee sat down next to him on the couch. He was watching some trashy sci-fi movie and eating Charlie’s energy balls. She grabbed the remote, and turned it off.

“Hey! What the hell, Dee?” he said. Mac tried to wrestle the remote away from her, but she held it out of his reach.

“I know Charlie is cheating on me right now,” she said. “I want revenge.”

Mac furrowed his brow. “How –”

Dee straddled him and said, “This is happening.”

“Ew! I’m not going to sleep with you!” said Mac. He tried to push her off, but he wasn’t strong enough. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Listen,” said Dee. “You and I both want things. I want to show Charlie that he doesn’t own me, and you want a warm body to stick your dick in. Everybody wins.”

“But I’m not attracted to you,” said Mac.

“Has that ever stopped you before?” asked Dee. Mac considered it for a moment, and shook his head. “Didn’t think so.”

His hand crept up the back of her shirt, and rested at the small of her back. It was warm and rough. He gave her a mischievous smile.

“I’m in,” he said.

“Great,” said Dee. “We can get going as soon as you send me a request to consummate on Techpocalypse.”

*

Dee led him by the hand into her bedroom, and got on the bed. He hopped on too, and straddled her. She began to unbutton her own shirt, but Mac said, “No. Let me.”

His fingers worked slowly, revealing her chest button by button. Dee was tempted to tell him to hurry the hell up. However, his uncharacteristically intense focus kept her mouth shut. In twenty years, he had never given her such rapt attention. Apparently, all she had needed to do to make him be less of a jackass was show off her tits. Typical.

Dee shrugged out of her shirt, and threw it on the floor. Mac smiled at her.

“Your tits are nicer than I thought they would be,” he said. “Can I –”

He reached around to unhook her bra. She swatted him away.

“Let me,” she said. Dee removed her bra, and threw that on the floor too.

Mac stroked her right breast, and then her left. God, he was so obviously gay – the look on his face was curiosity, not arousal. He rubbed her nipple between two of his fingers, and she gasped as a jolt of pleasure shot through her body. Mac smiled at her response, and leaned down to touch her forehead to his own.

“So, is this a kissing or a no kissing situation?” he asked.

Dee wrinkled her nose. “No kissing. Too weird.”

Mac nodded. “I thought so too. Necking?”

She thought it over for a moment. “Sure. Necking is fine.”

His beard was scratchy against her neck as he kissed it. Dee felt herself get wet as his kisses peppered her collarbone. He, on the other hand, was totally soft. The slow, rhythmic roll of his hips wasn’t affecting him at all. Mac pulled away from kissing her neck for a moment to remove his shirt.

“Damn,” said Dee in a breathy voice. “Mac, you got cut.”

She reached up, and squeezed one of his biceps. Nothing but skin and muscle.

“I told you guys that I was building up to sculpting my body,” he said.

“Well, it worked,” said Dee. Mac rubbed his wrist self-consciously.

“Not totally,” he said. “I was supposed to get way more bigger.”

Dee tucked her fingers into the back of his jeans. “I think you’re big enough,” she said.

Mac scoffed. “Maybe for the twiggy guys you like to sleep with, but I’m aiming bigger. Schwarzenegger. You know – grade A beef.”

Dee pushed her hands down to squeeze at his tight ass. God – it really had been a while since she had slept with a beefcake.

“I dunno, Mac. This ass seems pretty grade-A to me.”

A flush colored Mac’s cheeks. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” said Dee. A huge, proud grin broke out on his face. “Don’t let it get to your head. Take off your pants.”

Mac’s face fell. “We have to turn off the lights first.”

“Why?” asked Dee. Mac untangled from her legs and slid off the bed. He wrinkled his nose as he searched for the light switch.

“Your tits are ok but the rest of your spindly bird body just isn’t doing it for me.”

Dee rolled her eyes. “You sure know how to charm a lady in bed, asshole.”

Mac shrugged, and turned out the light. He dropped his pants to the floor. Dee swallowed the lump of anticipation in her throat as she pulled off her own pants and underwear. Her body was hot for the thorough deep-dicking it was about to receive.

Mac sat back down on the bed. However, instead of coming over to fuck her, he started to pump his own dick.

“What are you doing?” asked Dee seconds before she realized – oh. _Oh_. “Do you have problems. . .getting it up?”

 “Not usually,” he grunted, pumping faster. “You’re just kind of ugly, Dee.”

Dee scoffed. “You sure that’s the reason?”

Mac paused. “What are you implying?” he said sharply.

“You’re not hard to read, Mac,” said Dee. “This whole ‘turn off the lights and jack off’ thing just screams ‘routine.’”

He turned his head and glared at her.

“Do you want to fuck or not?”

“I mean, yeah, but it’s just kind of a weird thing to do beforehand,” said Dee.

The snide remark was lost on Mac. He was pumping his dick again, more vigorously this time. Dee’s eyes, having adjusted to the dim lighting, roved over what she could see of his body. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead. His dick was longer than she remembered it being when she saw it while he was fat. Losing weight had really turned that ding into a dong. His hard dick was leaking precum, and he was using it as lubrication as he jacked off.

Fuck, he was so hot lost in the throes of passion. She touched herself, and moaned as the waves of pleasure washed over her body.

It wasn’t hard to conjure up an image of what Mac was jerking off to. Two tanned beefcakes going to town all over his body – dp, oral, intercrural, and everything else. His jaw was slack with pleasure as they turned his body into their own personal fucktoy. She grasped the bedsheet as she felt her climax approaching.

“Are you ready to stick it in yet?” she asked in a ragged voice.

Mac sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t sound so excited about it,” mumbled Dee. She was far too close to be offended by his lack of enthusiasm. Dee needed dick, and she needed it now.

Mac pulled his legs up onto the bed, and moved over to where she lay on the bed. He gently pushed her hand away, lined up his cock, and thrust inside her. Both of them sighed with pleasure as he pushed deeply inside.

“You’re so tight,” he said with his eyes scrunched closed. Dee wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him closer as he began to thrust shallowly in and out.

“You have a great cock,” moaned Dee.

Mac paused. “Don’t talk,” he said in a small voice. She felt his erection grow softer inside her. Goddammit.

Dee conjured up every ounce of strength, and scratched all the way down Mac’s back in what she hoped was a masculine display of strength. Mac moaned, and his dick became hard again. He started to thrust, faster and harder this time than before. Dee moved her hands down to his ass, and stroked her fingers from his balls to his taint. His whole body shuddered.

“Can you put it in?” he asked, voice breaking.

“In your ass?” she said. Mac nodded frantically.

Well, there had been weirder ways she’d helped guys blow their loads. She lined up her finger with his asshole and said, “Just tell me when.”

“Now,” he whined. “Do it now!”

Dee pushed her finger in. “Move it or keep it still?”

“Just. . .keep it there,” he said. He picked up the pace of his thrusting again and oh. Oh _fuck_.

There was one glorious spot inside Dee that, no matter how hard she tried with endless toys, she could never reach by herself. Even a lover being able to hit the spot was a real crapshoot. She was half convinced that it just wandered around inside her, tantalizing and out of reach.

Well, fuck. Their new position had Mac hitting that spot right now. In a few thrusts she was gone, overcome with a rare, deep orgasm that rocked her body. Mac didn’t notice that she came. He continued to ram into her, eyes scrunched as tight as possible.

“Don’t cum inside me,” she said, wiping sweat away from her forehead. “I’m on birth control but you know –”

Mac nodded, and pulled out. He came on her leg with a low groan.

The two of them breathed each other’s air for a moment. Then, Dee felt a familiar heat rise under her skin.

“Ok, boner, get off. You’re gonna make me hot,” she said. Mac obediently rolled off of her. He finally opened his eyes, and stared vacantly at the ceiling.

“That was. . .surprisingly good revenge sex,” said Dee.

Mac rubbed his eyes, and sat up.

“I need to take a shower,” he said in a flat voice. He jumped off the bed, and left the room without another word.

Dee leaned over, and grabbed her phone on the nightstand. She opened up the Techpocalypse app, and divorced Charlie. Then, she answered Mac’s digital request to consummate.

All according to plan.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
